Recognising Trauma Responses

• A relationship breakdown may very well cause a trauma response within you: it is a very traumatic event and the impact of trauma can have enormous effect on all aspects of your wellbeing. This comes at a time when you also need to be functioning on an optimal basis having to make significant decisions about your future.
• In normal circumstances when your body and mind is in the best state to function you are within your ‘window of tolerance’. When you experience trauma you will be taken out of your window of tolerance into a trauma response.
• There are four main types of trauma responses:
  • fight – feeling angry, tense or on edge;
  • flight – trying to avoid conversations, shutting down or feeling overwhelmed;
  • freeze – feeling stuck, disconnected or unable to focus; and the less well-known
  • fawn – saying yes to everything, even if it is not what you want, just to keep the peace.
• When outside of your window of tolerance you can experience a wide range of physical and emotional reactions. These vary from anger to numbness, fear, shock or shame, loss of identity and hypervigilance being very alert and aware of your surroundings because you fear that something bad may happen. These affects can continue for a long time after the trauma is over.
• If you are in the middle of a trauma response it can have far reaching consequences beyond the physical and mental manifestations. For example, your decision making abilities may be impaired or your ability to recall information. You may need adjustments to be made as to how you are dealing with your separation to factor in this response and try and return you to your ‘window of tolerance’.
• You may find it helpful to read further into trauma to better understand and identify your own reactions. There are many family law professionals who have now undertaken trauma training and are equipped to advise and make adjustments for those clients experiencing trauma.

Telling People

The breakdown of a relationship is difficult enough but you should not underestimate how challenging it can be sharing that news with your family and friends.

It is important that your children are amongst the first to hear the news, or risk their hearing or picking up the news elsewhere. You should prepare as parents together for how this is done and, as difficult as it will be, present a united front. They will invariably have very many questions, and you may decide that the time to tell them is when you are better able to answer some of them. Where you do not, it is important to reassure them that all of these things will be resolved and that it is not something for them to worry about.

When you then tell your wider family and friends, whilst you would expect that they would be nothing but supportive, you should be prepared for a variety of reactions. These may include their disbelief because they perceived you to have a ‘fantastic’ partner or ‘perfect marriage’, to their own views about your choice of timing or outcomes in your case. This may not be easy for you to hear but you should remember that no one else really has any true idea or understanding as to what has gone on during your relationship.

There will be some friends who are the most wonderful support but not everyone will be a helpful voice in your ear. Your nature may be to discuss every detail at length with every one of your friends, but you may ultimately find that it is better for you to be selective about those to whom you choose to fully confide. You will not find everyone around you helpful and not least because it will be emotionally exhausting for you reliving everything time and time again. You will work out whose voices and views are helpful to you, for those that are not have some stock soundbites ready to close down discussions, such as “it is very difficult and it would be lovely to talk about something else”.

One thing to also bear in mind is that those close to you will naturally be your champions, and may feel particularly aggrieved on your behalf. These supporters are wonderful, but may not be the most objective people to be speaking with when you are having to make major decisions around settlement and child arrangements. There are other professionals – counsellors, therapists, divorce consultants and coaches who can provide this.